“Things got too overwhelming for me to carry on and that’s when I made my plan and attempted to take my own life…. I remember waking up in the hospital being disappointed and telling my mom to let the Doctors let me die.”
From a young age Ashley Kesner always felt like something was odd. Usually a bubbly character, she would go through sudden episodes of negativity which was then heightened whilst she was a member of the cheer leading team at 15 years old.
One of the girls told her she was getting too heavy to be thrown up into the air. And that’s Ashley began to struggle with her body image. At her worst she was eating 200 calories a day and running 3-5 miles a day trying to keep herself in shape. She suffered from severe anorexia and then bulimia.
At age 16 Ashley was diagnosed as having major depressive disorder, otherwise known as depression. She did not really know what that meant but was prescribed medication and it helped until she decided at college she did not need it anymore. Instead Ashley’s eyes were opened to the college party scene and this is when she was first introduced to alcohol.
Alcohol served as a magic potion, it made all of her anxiety go away and gave her a confidence that she had never before had. However, through the year’s alcohol caused Ashley to drop out of college 7 times, she was arrested and then came the day when she told her friend that she did not want to live anymore.
This is a journey of how one person can go from the depths of her own hell, to one of complete transformation and inspiration.
Ashley wrote the breakup letter, which was her first blog post and wrote a letter to break up to alcohol and posted her first blog post and put it on social media to keep herself accountable, which served as Ashley breaking up out of a toxic relationship.
Ashley realised that alcohol was driving her existence, she wouldn’t go anywhere or do anything without alcohol having to be there. We use alcohol to celebrate, when we are sad and grieving, we use it at the holidays, it is really hard to avoid, but for Ashley it was life or death.
Ashley talks about how alcohol is the only drug we have to defend not using. Ashley says how the pandemic was her Silverline, it forced her to sit in her uncomfortable state and Ashley realised her drinking was not the problem, but the coping tool towards things, herself worth, her body image, her depression and so much more and she finally did that and got happier, and she didn’t want to numb that.
Ashley can justify her wanting to kill herself. Her depression that she has, takes her to a very very dark place, but she know those feelings of worthlessness, emptiness and anxiety are not the real Ashley.
Since Ashley has started her recovery blog called ‘Ghost in my bedroom’ she is extremely transparent and vulnerable that is how she found herself worth. She realised this stuff is just too serious.
Ashley’s whole life changed when she stopped trying to impress the world and started to impress herself.
A journey of how one person can go from the depths of her own hell, to one of complete transformation and inspiration. The girl that went through her worst to find her best and then gave what she found all away.